The price of freedom — Empowerment

Since I was little girl in Iraq I had a dream to be independent, creative and free. I didn’t know why or how I just had that desire.

Everyone has a different definition of freedom. For me freedom is being your absolute authentic self without fear of being judged or rejected. Inner freedom is being free of fear of the future or the baggage of the past. Outer freedom is chained to your circumstance which sometimes you may or may not have control over. In my case growing up I didn’t have much freedom until later in in life.

In pursue of that hope of independence and freedom I found myself falling into the career path of technology. Here’s the stages I went through

Surviving

Education was really big deal to my parents and they waited for me to finish first although it was so dangerous in 2006, many girls were being kidnapped and oil engineer experts in my father’s position were being threatened. I finished university with honours in computer science from Baghdad University. 2 days after that we left Iraq with only our clothes and went to Syria.
When I got to Syria I worked illegally. I worked in the morning as a computer admin in a cafe shop (a shop that has internet) I had no legal status to work. In the afternoon I volunteered as outreach worker for UN Refugee Agency. The work experience was really tough there was all sort of abuse and I changed the morning job a few times until I worked with good people. However some customers really underestimated women who worked in technology. For example when a male customer enter the shops he would say “call a man to help me”. Sometimes I was close to give up.
I really wanted to feel inspired to get strength to move on. But I had no examples around me in my community for women who drive for change. So I had to be my own hero. Although my situation was risky, but I would do anything for my independence and not falling into social pressure like other girls in my community had at that time.

Identity crisis

A few years later I immigrated to Canada and started from scratch. I right away volunteered in social services to get involved in service. Also through connections I got an entry job as an office admin. I did way more than what the job required me and I learnt everything that I needed to do to prove myself. Although I was promoted at work to do graphic design. But I realized the huge pay gap between me and other people at work. Which made me really sad. I realized the western culture can still be broken and unfair and it’s still behind in terms of treating immigrant women equally.

Meanwhile I tried equating my university BA degree but because the system was very strict I got rejected everywhere even in the northern territories . The only option was to redo my degree.

I really had a difficult time dealing with my identity and how to fit in. I felt everything I ever worked for was not recognized and didn’t matter. I hit a rock bottom.

Fitting in when I felt like an alien

Despite many people even people in job centres thought I have to have a “proper Canadian” education to get a proper job. But I just had a feeling I didn’t need to redo university and I can just learn anything. Meanwhile a good friend of mine told me about a free web workshop and we both went to check it out. That’s when I started to grow my interest in the web.

I wanted to get some kind of certificate but I didn’t have any saving to do it. So I applied to the government for funding for me to go to college and get a certificate specialized in websites and I got it! Someone believed in me. I finished a certificate specialized in web.

In fact those people who doubted me they were right I didn’t get one interview. But that didn’t stop me. So I decided to intern with a digital agency in Toronto where I met the the most ambitious super stars. They were all dreamers and they influenced the way I was thinking. However I often felt an alien and not fitting in and I doubted my abilities to be a good web developer like them. I was still new to the country and fitting in social circles was very frustrating and I often felt I just had to change to fit in.

Acceptance and trusting who I am

After finishing 6 month internship I applied for jobs and still not one call. I felt really frustrated. Then later I had a lightbulb and I started attending networking events on weekly basis. I met so many people who were interested to help and a few mentored me. Then I actually started getting phone calls and people interested to hire me! It’s interesting how persistence, making connections and a bit of hope can make a difference in ones life. I had one job offer and then another one but I turned them down it was hard decision but I didn’t take it, I was waiting for the right opportunity. At that time it was hard to just trust myself and not to fear being picky about where I worked and who I worked with. Also I was fearful about how much I knew comparing to other smart Canadians engineers. Finally I got a perfect opportunity through Linkedin. A very passionate person who needed a smart, patient frontend engineer to work on his own beta product cms. He believed in my potential that I could bring to his product. I knew that a few people gave up this position I was offered. I took the offer. It was hard by itself to be first time web developer never mind working on a faulty cms. It was the hardest job I have ever done and I made many mistakes. But I made big success with patience and persistence also working with very smart team who trusted my continuous feedback. After a few years the product worked and hosted pan am the American games. I had to move on after this.

Success

Then I started freelancing for my network and also I was with my partner of life and moved to England. I started as a contractor. Then joined transport for Manchester I’m a believer of public transport and I never had a driver’s license. After that I have given birth to my son Noah. I was afraid first that I’d lose my career but I’m a believer of achieving work family balance and work should be organic part. Other wise that job isn’t really meant for you.

The journey continues..

Next I want to tell more people specially women about my story and how they can achieve what they want if they just trust. Trusting oneself and trusting the world will bring the right people, the right opportunities in the right time.

In my case to be free I have to trust and take chances and be my own hero. It can feel risky but at the same time it’s the most natural thing to follow what feels right and not to compromise your values, your dream… and that’s the price of feeling free no regrets…

Through out all my journey painting has been my outlet of emotions

Originally published at http://blog.sura.me.